Ephesians 4:30

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. NKJV

I've just been going through the motions lately.

I noticed somewhat over the past few days that I just didn't seem to be 'getting into' anything. I've been learning from classes but not feeling as engaged or eager; for awhile now I've been 'decorating' my notes by writing in different colored pens, going back over words to make them bolder and stand out, even throwing in little doodles that related to the material from time to time to help engrave it in my memory and so that any time I feel like going back over my notes to see what God had been showing me everything will be more personal, each note standing apart from the others as a precious nugget or gem of information or revelation all it's own that God wanted to teach me that day.

However, lately my notes have just been in pencil. I feel like I want to be able to find what I've written later among the many other pages of notes, but I can't think of how to give them individuality. Just a bunch of gray scribbles one after the other for a few pages without any separation that might allow me to glance at the page and exclaim, "Oh yes! I remember that!" without reading more than a few words.

This is just one example, but it somewhat shows the general feeling of disconnect I've been having for the past few days.

At first when looking at this verse I wasn't sure of what to write. "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God"; Ok, so. . . don't do bad things? Better apply what He has been showing me through IBS? Pray more? Come on God, Pastor G wants us to be more specific for IBS, we're supposed to say something we can do. Please reveal to me through Your Spirit. . .

And then I started thinking more about what had been crossing my mind for awhile now; we are less excited. One way of putting it, the honeymoon phase has passed. We are adapting. We, or I anyway, have begun to just make my way through the time here without engaging. I found my corner, a quite little hypothetical nook that let's me get through and pass the time without being shaken by anything or anyone, even if I want to be.

Like my notes, I've gotten stuck in a place where I can be bland and grey and uniform even when trying to force in little bits here and there of color, life and lasting memory.

Earlier, someone had been talking about how you never forget what it felt like in the times when you have been closest to God, and those times help us to identify when we are not so close to God. When we aren't nearly so filled with His spirit, or have fallen into a snare of temptation and away from His glory. Those bright times in our life are a reference to where we want to be and, when we've fallen away, can be used as a guide so that we know where to get back to.

Having fallen away, we climb (and are carried) back up to the highest point we know of safety and comfort closest to Him as we know to reach and that we can reach, and at times find an even higher point still.

It got me thinking about a while back when I felt so full of the Holy Spirit and when I had felt a completeness in the joy and love of Christ. I want to get back to that place. I need to pray and seek after Him with a renewed energy. To, now that I am aware of it, punch through this grey period as best I can from this end, trusting God to work on His end and give me strength for mine.

I want to seek after God with a renewed energy and prayer, and to reapply myself to the time spent here and with the people at Potter's Field.

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,
And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To God our Savior,
Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty,
Dominion and power,
Both now and forever.
Amen.