John 13:3, He had come from God and was going to God,

Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come from God and was going to God,

I forgot about our Bible studies going through Nehemiah while living in San Martin. I forgot about what I had wanted to do for Hospital Bloom.

I had held onto it for a very long time, knowing how easy it would be to forget and then lose the fire I had had before for this work I had felt called to.

Well, it's been over three months now, at times a very very busy three months kept busy and without time to think of other things, and apparently at some point I forgot. Colin reminded me today as we, all the interns and Pastors here at the ranch, were discussing our time and some of the things we've learned and experiences we've had and the pain and the rejoicing and pretty much anything and everything God led us to.

Needing the full context to better understand this verse; in verse one of chapter 13, Jesus knew his hour had come and that he would be departing to the Father, "having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end."

In verse two the betrayal is described as already having been set in motion in the heart of the traitor.

And now Jesus, knowing that the father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going to God, (as I break the rules of IBS, [sorry Pastor G]) to serve the disciples, to lower himself, God in flesh, even to Judas who would betray him, and love them with his service.

I forgot about Hospital Bloom. I mean, I didn't forget, I can't forget, but it hasn't been on the tip of my thoughts with all the things being done and needing done, and have fallen in love with the idea of studying in the School of Worship for a better understanding of the theology of worship, both for my personal worship of God through song and for what it means to truly worship him with my life.

I need to spend some really good time in prayer like I haven't in so long seeking after God's will for my life, and for his guidance and comfort about those things he is leading myself and the other interns to, and for a reorientation of my thoughts and desires so that rather than my own will I would keep my desire and focus on his and his love.

Written April 4, 2012

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I was actually brought to tears while reading this study to the rest of our group because for the first time ever, in the School of Worship, I really felt like God had given me a passion for the direction I should go next; I felt the Lord give what seemed like confirmation upon confirmation about this being a good next step; and most importantly I had truly developed a peace about going that I had never had about anything else before, including participation in the IGNITE365 program with Potter's Field Ministries, what seemed like the greatest confirmation of all in the face of the many other ideas going through my head of what could be the next step after this time with Potter's Field.

However, when Colin made mention of that IBS from 3 months back and my commitment at the time, I felt literally crushed. It is the first time in my memory that I can say I was very nearly angry with God, but truly I was angry at myself for the thoughts and feelings I had at being reminded about this thing that I truly did want to do, and that I knew by God's grace would be amazing and able to bear worthwhile fruit (and honestly in part I think it may have been the emotional dam breaking from the time leading up to and actually leaving from El Salvador with the many goodbyes that needed said and extreme change of environment.)

God worked a drastic change of heart in me over the next 24 hours, sorting out the full extent of what my feelings were and where they came from. That just because a fundraiser I don't have the first clue about how to carry out doesn't capture my fascination like the School of Worship doesn't mean I wouldn't take great joy from the work if it is what God would call me to; and that just because God would return me to this commitment I made in the past, for a work I really do want to see made a reality, doesn't mean the confirmations, peace, and passion I feel for attending the School of Worship should necessarily be disregarded, even if it is simply for farther down the road than I had originally thought.

As I leave Potter's Field Ranch I am assured that I am coming from God, from his will; and I know that if I trust in him and walk in his ways, I will be going to God, to his will, also.

Work in me
A miracle of peace
Calm my heart
And make it clean

I want you
And your will for me
My God

It's not about me
No

It's all for your love

Comments added April 9, 2012